My Dilemma

Hey ya,

Lately I've been busy, which explains why my blog remained stagnant for a while. Got my exam timetable just before the holiday started and it already, in a way, spoiled my holiday mood. I have 3 papers in January. All in 3 days. I am already cramming my head with notes that have yet to be read. And to top all of that misery, I have to submit my assignment a week before my exam. The topic is pretty easy but it is bloody hard to find it in books.

I feel like my head is going to be blown into smithereens. I mean, literally. Which also made me think. I know it is not the most inconvenient time to think about it, but somehow I question myself why am I doing this course. Though I am a fan of numbers and I love solving them, however, my passion for the course in general is waning down rapidly. My passion remains towards what I always love to do remains the same. Photography, travelling, and writing.

I can't imagine myself sitting behind the desk in a small cubicle of an office from 9 to 5, for 5 days a week. I will be bored to death. I grew up with the passion of appreciating the scenery and tried my best to capture the moment and living in it. Only by travelling, taking photos and writing about my journeys can I live in those moments. Right now, I'm stuck behind a stack of notes and books, along with the computer doing the stuffs that I hate to do. Not that I don't love studying, I do. But I am dying of boredom.

And as a result, I lack the motivation to study. Am I doing all these just to please my family? They told me that they wanted me to have a normal family life. But I am not like that. Every time I go back for holidays, I would spend more time outside the house than in it. I don't want to be those people with tie and suits whose lives are constrained by the boundaries of their cubicle. I don't want to be those people, who, when they look forward, all they see is papers stapled to their cubicle wall. To me, it feels like living in a box. Not being able to venture forth and my ass glued to the office chair.

Well, only 7 months left. After that, might be thinking of staying here for another year or two to do my professional exam, and then, well, hopefully I can finally do what I always wanted to do.

Till then,

cheers

My sonnets (No 2)

Ode From A Psychopath

Originally by Brodwyn

Also covered by Juliet The Orange

Darker things, darker minds,

A tint of blood drops,

We shall all never find,

The passion that throbs.

Method in all madness,

Order and plan,

My madness reads like a book,

Which never can end.

This is an ode from a psychopath,

A tormented creature,

This is an ode from a psychopath,

The darkest of shadows,

The drumming is how I heard in my temple,

This is an ode from a psychopath,

A spiritual ailment.

Chapter one contains the first,

Moment I saw,

Your shaded being against the light,

There isn't a flaw.

Chapter two and chapter three,

Was when my heart cried,

And I believe in my madness,

That you must die.

My sublime, my darkling faun,

You should never know my desire,

The poison in my soul is come,

Your pounding pulse in the fire.

Ode from a psychopath,

This mutual feeling...

My sonnets (No 1)

One last breath

Tick tock tick tock,

No other sound,

Tick tock tick tock on the clock,

The clock that lay on the ground.

Darken room, curtain down,

A body lies on the floor,

Drugs and and pills all around,

Nobody knows what is behind that door.

Little air fills his lungs,

His breathing is heavy,

His weaken eyes look around,

Everything he sees is hazy.

He's close to dying,

And he knows it too,

He was a fool in his prime,

He was everybody's fool.

He was the perfect guy,

Cracking smile with bright eyes,

His alter-ego soared sky high,

Not knowing he was soon to take a dive.

But when he did, it was too late,

It will end very soon,

Life is not a fairy-tale,

The happy ending was just a spoof.

And for one last time,

To the alter-ego that went to exile,

He cried with all his might,

"Bring me back to life...."

Tick tock tick tock on the clock,

But only the clock is making sound....

'Boob Quest' -Chapter 7

Life is a never-ending saga. Life can be a fairy-tale for some, and a horrible nightmare for others. Some are born rich and happy, and some poor and miserable. People look at their lives differently than others. No two individuals can have the same opinion about each other's life. But no matter how you look into other people's lives or how they look into yours, life always have its us and downs.

The difference between two lives is how one deals with their lives, regardless of their background. The difference in determining how well one's life is how they turn their downs into ups and ups stay up. It doesn't always be emotional relationship troubles, or a broken family. It can be anything from physical deficiencies to financial difficulties, even to academic capabilities.

I do have those down moments, which, at times, make me wanted to just give up and run away. But I know, if I keep running, I'll ran out of space. Inevitably, I have to face the harsh reality. To me, life is never easy. Everyday, there is always something that will make my life a living hell. And yes, there are moments when I doubted myself and sometimes my confidence is at an all-time low. But I know that no matter how much I cry, how many times I want to give up, how fun I run, I know that in the end, the choice is mine to make.

Life is full of choices...You just have to know which one to choose....

'Boob' Quest -Chapter 6

STRANGER TO THE LEFT

It seems so empty,

Even in this vast volume,

Everybody seems so lonely,

Everybody including me and you.

The chit chat seems so loud,

But I am not hearing anything,

Even when the deafening sounds grew louder,

All I hear is nothing.

I wander around this mass,

Searching for someone I can trust,

Someone to share my past,

Just for trust not pity or lust.

And so I walked and walked,

'Till my feet took me no further,

These heavy sighs as I took breath in bulk,

And I was at the end of a road curve.

I was alone among these people,

There was only so little strength left,

And then I heard the sound of footstep, so feeble,

It was from a stranger to my left.

She was lost and lonely,

Her eyes were wildly looking for something,

And so I reached my hand out to her gently,

Saying, "Can I help you with anything?"

"My life has been shitty" she said,

And I said "Mine has been full of shit",

We talked, we cried and we laughed till it hurts,

And we didn't miss out a single bit.

Then, the time was for us to go on,

Go on with our shitty lives which seems to have to no end,

She was nearly gone when I shouted "By the way, my name is John"

"Mine's Jess" she said, and we never saw each other again.

I owe my life to her, that stranger to my left,

We both know that everything in life is so vile,

Because she whispered in my ears before she left,

"My friend, all we can do is smile..."

'Boob' Quest -Chapter 5

Hey ya,

Life has been unfair to me recently. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Being sick for a good three weeks coupled with coughing blood were just the start of my worries. Being sick physically has never been much of a problem to me. Having quite a low immunity against sickness has been a norm for me. But I'm going to talk about that because I know it will be over and I'll soon forget it. I'm here to talk about life. Again. Sorry for not blogging about anything else because I am just too fucked up to write about anything else.

It seems like ages ago,

My life seems colourful,

The life that passed me by and go,

Leaving me behind, just like a fool.

The vivid memory of my past,

Is slowly fading away,

How much longer will it last,

Before it all turn to grey.

I am indeed losing my mind,

My heart, my soul, my sanity,

They were pure at the beginning of time,

And now they are just toxicities.

And this small part of my heart,

I will put it in a sack,

And the sack in a chest tightly shut,

That can be opened only by code, just like a cryptext.

So before my body gave way,

Before I shut my eyes,

Before the word "fuck" I can't no longer say,

Let me live and fuck my own life...

Helpers Wanted

Hey,

I have a question, which one is harder? Having to keep 1 promise or having to keep 3 or 4 promises? If, say, A has to keep 1 promise to B who has to keep 3 or 4 promises and both of them break their promises, one for each party, would it be those 2 promises cancel each other out? I am at a limbo here and I need help....

'Nuff Said

Hey ya,

I am a student and being a student, especially to those studying oversea and leaving their families behind for the first time, can be a torrid time. The "culture shock" that most people has is nothing new in a student's life. For example, if you are used to having nasi lemak for breakfast and having to change to cereal and English breakfast is hard work. The same goes to the cultural effect. Like, smoking....

I have 2 principles that I held on for so long. And regretfully, I had to admit that I threw away one of them and you guessed it, it was smoking. I first started smoking some time around January 2008. I first started smoking because of the stress and pressure from studies and other external factors. Also due to the fact that I feel intimidated at times with my friends. All of them will discuss matters while smoking and I felt left out so I took my first cigarette to feel "one" with them.

Of course, I said "Oh no, this will be a one-time only" and after the 2nd cigarette "It's okay, I won't get addicted to it" and after the 3rd stick "I'm a social smoker, I don't smoke regularly" and the next thing I knew, I've been smoking 4-5 sticks a day. The fact that you feel you need to do this to be accepted by your friends is just pure bullshit. And some people would say that they are my close friends and I have to do as they do. It's not supposed to be like that. A friend would not ask you to do the same thing he does. A smoker won't ask somebody else to smoke. Even my housemate told me not to smoke because it'll get me addicted, but since he smokes, and I felt like I need to smoke to get noticed by people, it just got me nowhere. A true friend should keep another friend from harm. That includes doing things that can destroy your own body. Sarah babe has been lecturing me for nearly 2 years to stop smoking but since I was already addicted to it, it's hard for me to stop and I am still trying. If you want to stop smoking, stop it as early as you can, don't stop it after you're hooked to it. I've been there. Trust me. Don't take your non-addictions for granted. You may feel that you'll never get addicted but by the time you know it, it'll be like climbing the Everest to get better.

The same goes to alcohol. Alcohol is my last remaining principle that I will hold on to, and I will never ever surrender this principle. I have experienced myself talking to a drunken friend when I was in Lang Tengah. I was with 7 other friends who all drinkers. Some of them got drunk and one friend told me in a drunken tone "Saiful, I..respect you. You hang out with us...we drink beers and stuff...but you don't...you...are one great friend, I wish all my friends were like you...you have dignity". And as I have experienced, I never have problems going to bars and pubs with friends and I don't touch a single alcohol to impress them or to be accepted. They are proud that I don't drink, and I think that is what friends should do, keeping others from harm's way. If they are the ones who put you in harm's way, even by encouraging you to drink/smoke so that you're accepted by them, it means that they are not your friend at all. Enough said.

I welcome any comment from any readers be it for my argument or against it. I welcome both sides of the story and will do my absolute best to entertain you.

Cheers

Stop: Promise or Try?

Hey ya,

I recently encountered a situation whereby 2 person (be it a couple or just friends) talk to each other about promises. When one of them did something wrong and never wanted to repeat itself again, he'll say "I promise I'll stop" but if he actually liked doing that wrong deed, he'll say "I'll try and stop from doing it".

These 2 responses are totally different to one another. They represent 2 significant differences is the magnitude of the effort. "I'll stop" would mean a person would do whatever it takes to stop from the wrongdoing while the latter would just means that he would try, to a certain extent, to stop it but not completely. Should he fail to do so, the sense of guilt will be lessen by just saying "Hey, at least I tried"...

So which one is your stand when u start doing something that is against the universe i.e God, religion, nation, etc? Is it going to be promise to stop and be given full pardon? Or is it going to be the "at least I tried" answer and still committing crimes and sins towards nations, religions and God Himself? The choice is up to you....cos my fate rides upon it

Smile

A little reminder to myself:

Smile, though your heart is aching,

Smile, even though it's breaking,

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by,

If you smile through your fear and sorrow,

Smile and maybe tomorrow,

You'll see the sun come shining through you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide every trace of sadness,

Although a tear may be ever so near,

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile,

If you just smile.

No One Wants To Be Defeated

The Unwritten Letter

This heart of mine is made of steel. Strong enough to face any problem that comes in my way but steel is just a steel. It has its limits. Even for steel. The steel is just a mere protector of what is inside. Once it starts to break, it's like an egg. Once you pierce the shell, it'll leak till there is nothing inside. This is what I am going through. I have been troubled with troubles over the last 5 years. Only a handful of people, like my family, that know what it is all about. That is why I have not been able to perform at the level that I should be doing. And so, I would like say the following things.

To Abah:

I am sorry that I still can't live up to the expectation that you have planted in me, and I will not stop until I reach your level of success and go one step further. I believe that is what I should aim at and I will strive to make you proud of me.

To Mak:

I am sorry for being an ungrateful son to you. I am sorry for not listening when I should have. Do forgive me as this young blood has a rebellious side unknown to others. You are my source of inspiration and you have showed me, time and time again how strong you are. I will do my best just to be half as strong as you and so that you can smile whenever my name is being spoken.

To Along, Angah and Ayoy:

I am sorry for not being able to fulfil my duty as a brother. While I should stay at home and play with Afiq and Adib, I chose to have a good time instead outside with my friends. I should have been a better brother to you and a better uncle to the twins. I am regretting my decision to go back early and the times I have not spent with the kids. I vow to be a better person so you can proudly call me your brother.

'Boob' Quest -Chapter 4

Confessions of A Forsaken Soul

There is not a single day goes by,

Without me looking up into the sky,

Raising my hands and voice to heaven,

Asking God why am I being forsaken.

Offering my blood as a sacrifice,

Of which I don't know whether it will be suffice,

What should I do, What should I do,

For my heart wants to be closer to You.

A friend once told me,

"You really have come far",

But the question burning inside of me,

says, "How far is far?"

Leaving On A Jet Plane

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say ...

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

And I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Beaten And Scarred

Is there something wrong with me?
What is it that makes me so inferior to you?
What is it that I'm lacking?
The things that I need to impress you.

You are my heart,
You are my soul,
I've taken my stride,
Out of my very own shell for you.

I've been beaten and scarred,
Just so that I can earn a little bit of respect,
But no matter how hard I tried,
It is always not what you had expected.

I love you,
But what can I do?
Because I know there is no room,
For me to be there for you.

So tell me what to do,
What would I get,
Before I go alone,
And may never return again.

A little snippet

It's been ages since I last updated anything here. Been busy with some shit that kept me burning midnight oil and make coffee producers worldwide happy because of the amount that I indulged over that period of time. But it's now all over and I leave everything in the hands of God. Basically that was what I have been doing over the last fortnight or so. So there has been nothing that is out of this world, well, except a few of the 14days dealing with this shit was spent at Zureen's house. I think that is the only plus point during those days where my brain was put through the coconut grinding machine.

Apart from that, there is nothing much to say, really. Oh, to Lloyd Taylor Simpson, fuck you. Stupid customer service coupled with an already-full e-mail inbox and kept telling me to keep sending those e-mails that would never arrive even until Judgment Day. Just you wait, I will return with my battalion of brethren and spam you office till I get what I should have get ages ago.

'Boob' Quest -Chapter 3

I saw this one quote from a friend's blog recently and it basically sums up my personality as a whole. It goes like this:

When you struggle, that's when you realise what you're made of, and that's when you realise what the people around you can do. You learn who you's want to take with you to war, and who you'd only take to lunch.

And she wrote something about her problems, which I'd rather not write because, well, I don't know her problems. Shit, I'm starting to stray off my point. I am a person who hates people telling him what to do. All those I've-been-theres and It's-for-your-benefits, will not actually make me learn anything. It will only make me more cautious in making decisions but it won't let me learn anything. And there is another quote that I saw in another friend's room:

I have learned so much from my mistakes, I think I'll make another...

I learned how to appreciate what I have and what I am capable of. They say the sky is the limit and I believe it is true but not everyone can reach the sky. I am a believer of fate, if God decides that I will reach the sky, then I'll reach it. He'll give me the strength to overcome my fear, He'll give me the strength to make myself go beyond the limit of my body and He'll give me the big break that will make me fly towards the sky. If it is not meant to be, then we'll just have to keep on going, because the final chapter is not finished until it is written.

So I am me. There is no one else in the world, except for God of course, who understands my feelings. Only a handful really knows half of my feeling and only 3 knows most of it. My bombom Zureen, dearest Sarah babe and my ever-so-helpful sensei Lydia....they have seen me as me. Not as the bully or as the joker or as that square-glassed geek kid from school. They have seen me in my true form, as a fragile and delicate piece of a nearly broken glass. To the three of you, you are forever in my heart because the three of you, taught me how to live. I love you...

Why?

Dear God,

Why am I hurting myself?
Why am I feeling hurt?
Why am I killing myself?
Why do I inflict pain on myself?
Why do I feel like committing suicide?
Why do I feel like I am all alone?
Why do I feel like a nobody to everyone?
Why do I feel like losing my very own sanity?
Why do I feel like I just want to die?

Why?

All Nightmare Long

I am sitting here in this room,
With only nothing but a small window,
And an hour-glass on top of a stool,
The sun pierced through it and glow.

Every grain of sand that falls,
Feels like eternity,
But I shall not be moved,
For I believe in my own destiny.

My destiny is with you,
For you are the light of my life,
And there's nothing else that I'll do,
But to wait for you 'till the end of my life.

Cuts and bruises are inevitable,
But I'm willing to weather the storm,
'Cos my love for you is unconditional,
And I'll keep going all nightmare long.

So now I am here,
By my own free will,
I will wait without fear,
Even if....I get killed.


I love you...

Al-Fatihah to Yasmin Ahmad

In the midst of people talking about racial harmony in Malaysia, always saying that we Malaysians are supposed to love in a peaceful and understanding environment, politicians stressing out the needs of being able to live together, the one person who epitomise these values and doing it by actions rather than words is Yasmin Ahmad, who died of a stroke last night.

I have to admit that I am not her biggest fan but I do, occasionally, watch YouTube especially during the 3 major religious festivities in Malaysia (Eid, Chinese New Year, and Deepavali), for her commercials and the message that it brings. The one that is playing in my head at this moment is the one with a small Chinese boy named Tan Hong Ming. It always bring a smile to my face because it is funny and it pierced through the hearts of many including me.

And of course, Sepet. A wonderfully crafted and perfectly executed movie. What am I saying? We lost another star, the one that definitely went too soon. Yasmin Ahmad, may Allah bless you in life and afterlife. Al-Fatihah.

Read Before You Talk

I recently read the news on the recently-abolished PPSMI. It was on the pro-government Utusan. And the interviewee was Professor Diraja Ungku Aziz. Not just any bloke on the street, but someone of his reputation and pedigree. However, in my honest opinion, the answers that he gave to Ku Seman Ku Hussain and Hafizahril Abdul Hamid were less than impressing. I will be taking phrases from his interview that I think were rubbish and a contradiction to what he intended to say.

1. Bagi mengukuhkan perpaduan, kita perlu kembali kepada satu bahasa yang boleh digunakan oleh semua warganegara. (yang boleh digunakan? Some non-Malay cant even speak Malay, and some Malays can't even speak English)
   
2. Apa yang dimaksudkan dengan perpaduan negara? Kalau semua orang boleh becakap bahasa Melayu, itu akan membantu usaha mewujudkan perpaduan negara. (so the only way for unity is by just having one language?)
   
3. Bagi saya ini seolah-olah satu magic untuk membolehkan pelajar-pelajar berbahasa Inggeris dengan lebih lancar dan mudah. (Why magic? PPSMI is a slow process, the results can't be analysed with only 6 years of implementation. And magic? It's an English word, why not using magis instead?)
   
4. Kita lihat orang Cina mahir dalam Matematik, ini kerana penggunaan bahasa dan tulisan mereka banyak simbol daripada huruf. (Their alphabets are like symbols to us just like Arabic alphabets to the Western, so you can't say that the Chinese use symbols more than alphabets)
   
5. Ini kerana banyak buku telah diterbit dan diterjemah ke Bahasa Melayu [...] termasuklah kamus-kamus seperti kamus Biologi, kejuruteraan dan lain-lain. (If we're using English, there won't be any need for a dictionary for Biology, Engineering, etc right?)
   
6. Kita ambil contoh pelajar sekolah rendah, penguasaan kosa kata mereka tidak banyak. Tetapi mereka mampu untuk belajar lebih banyak dan mampu menulis ayat setelah bersekolah untuk beberapa tahun. [...] Pelajar ini perlu didedahkan dari awal penggunaan Bahasa Melayu tidak kira mereka ini orang Cina, Melayu atau kaum lain. (So if we teach English from grass root level i.e. from primary schools, there won't be any problem right? Or is it the teachers not the students that will be having problems about English?)
   
7. Bahasa Melayu sudah digunakan oleh orang Melayu di rantau ini serta di Fiji dan Madagascar. [...] Mengikut kajian saya, bahasa Melayu sudah wujud lebih dari 1,000 tahun. (So what? Fiji and Madagascar? It's not like we have ambitions to work there right?)
   
8. Saya hairan kenapa kita perlu menggunakan bahasa Ingerris sebagai medium utama pendidikan. (Because we want to work where everyone in the world [not just Malaysians] can work together)
   
9. Keputusan itu (pemansuhan PPSMI) menunjukkan ada keseimbangan iaitu memartabatkan bahasa Melayu sebagai bahasa kebangsaan dan pada masa yang sama kita memperkukuhkan bahasa Inggeris. (Memperkukuhkan bahasa Inggeris? Where is it? What is it that is being done for this purpose?)
   
10. Kita sebenarnya mampu dan boleh mengajar matapelajaran Sains dan Matematik dalam Bahasa Melayu (kerana) Universiti Malaya telah melahirkan banyak pensyarah dalam pelbagai bidang. (No wonder Universiti Malaya went down the rankings)
    
11. Bagi mengukuhkan perpaduan, yang perlu ada ialah satu bahasa. (Again, he failed to say in terms of education but in terms of unity. Why is it always that the reason is because of unity?)
    
12. Kerana itu, mengajar dan mencampuri bahasa kebangsaan dan bahasa Inggeris bagi saya ia sesuatu yang tidak boleh diterima sama sekali. (See pt. 3 and you'll know what I mean)

And there is this one last bit that I think is racist.
"Sekarang ini tidak ramai orang muda Cina yang boleh berbahasa Cina dialek Beijing. Begitu juga orang India yang ada pelbagai dialek seperti Tamil, Punjab, Urdu dan sebagainya. Jadi di mana bahasa ibundanya? Yang bercakap bahasa ibunda yang betul ialah orang Melayu kerana mereka bercakap Melayu. Ini kerana ibu bapa, nenek dan ahli keluarga mereka bercakap bahasa Melayu."

This statement, if said by any 'ordinary' person, can land someone behind bars. But well, double standard prevails in this country of mine. And I am astounded by what he said. Bahasa Cina dialek Beijing? That is Mandarin. Bahasa Cina dialek Hong Kong? That's Cantonese. And yes, Indians have their dialects as stated. But we have ours as well. We just don't have names for it. On a bigger scale, Indonesians speak Malay but in a different dialect, Bruneians speak Malay but in a different dialect. Even in Malaysia iself, people in Kelantan and people in Negri Sembilan have two completely different dialects. So what is our bahasa ibunda, then?

"PPSMI satu kesilapan"
Page 7
Mingguan Malaysia

The Land I Called Home

I recently read a post titled "An Impassioned Patriot" by Marina Mahathir. There, she posted a very interesting essay written by an Iranian living in France. Marjane Satrapi who did the wonderful graphic novel Persepolis. There the latter said "If you leave your homeland, you can live anywhere, but I refuse to die anywhere else than Iran -or else my life will have had no meaning"

I dreamt of leaving Malaysia when I was small. Sometimes, I just felt like going away from my homeland. I got my chance in 2007 and I took it with the hope of never having to return again. Oh, how I was wrong. The first few months living abroad taught me one very important lesson: Home is where your heart is. I can live anywhere, be it Cardiff, New York, Berlin or Tokyo, there will never be a place like Kuala Lumpur and Malaysia. The uniqueness of our culture, a one of its kind is simply a joy to the eyes.

I have been fortunate enough to travel to quite a number of countries over the 2 years living abroad with the likes of Spain, France, Ireland, and Egypt. And after doing a careful and intensive views while I was there, Malaysia is still the one place that I will return to. There is nowhere in the world that provides 24-hour food stall, where most of the food you can eat anytime. For example, the restaurant in Cardiff that I usually go to for a briyani only opens around 5pm and closes at approximately midnight of 1am if it's on weekend. While the reason is to cut cost, it represents the stereotypicality of their mindset. Their mindset is that they will have English breakfast, a sandwich or toast for lunch, steak or briyani for dinner and kebabs/doners for supper. No one restaurant can sell food for more than 2 meal periods. A small cafe selling English breakfast will be in service from 8am till 12pm, a restaurant around lunch will be open from around 12pm till 2 or 3pm. And dinner restaurants will be open from 5pm till midnight.

Looking at these different set of time allocated for different type of meals shows they lack the credibility to produce a number of food for different meal types. Unlike us, we have everything under one room -mamak. If you need anything, they have it. I am a food lover, and I eat almost everything edible (provided that they're halal la). So these are the little things that made us proud of who we are.

We are of different race, yes.
We are of different culture, yes.
We are of different religion, yes.
We are of different ideology, yes.
But we are all the same, Malaysians.

If only Malaysia is well-protected by its governors (unlike ours), Malaysia can be at least on par with the world's superpower countries. I can't write articles or journals that will be published and used for reference by professionals or academicians but my writing comes from my heart and now, my heart is hurting because the land I called my home is not being taken care of by those responsible.

p/s: Check the original post by Marina Mahathir
(http://rantingsbymm.blogspot.com/2009/07/impassioned-patriot.html)

English

Hey,

I am writing this from a cyber cafe owned by my brother in Selayang. I am writing this to express my disappointment in what I saw over the last couple of times that I went here. I am currently working here just to support myself so that I won't be too dependant on my parents. Plus, I couldn't any internship because the HR Managers missed their deadline to submit those applications to their respective superiors. That's besides the point.

What I saw in kids these days is the main reason why I am so disappointed. Not because they come here everyday since the money they pay is my income, but because their English is very poor. Not too long before time of writing, I heard a small kid asking his friends "Eh, macam mana nak eja Beckham?". I am so shocked to hear such things because, well, Beckham is one of the most famous names in the world, be it in the footballing world or the fashion world. It was such a shock but it didn't end there. There was this girl who came to the desk where I was working and ask me "Bang, macam mana nak creet (create) game?". This girl is one of those frequent customers so it astounded me when it happened.

The reason why I am so disappointed with the aforementioned situations is that they come and stay as long as they should have been in school. With the Internet being a norm for them, English should not be a problem. Maybe because I spend quite a lot of time playing these games with my chinese friends in Setapak. Even so, I just couldn't ignore these things. Even the term 'Terrorist' and 'Counter-Terrorist' in the game Counter-Strike became 'pencuri' and 'polis' respectively. So it occured to me, when are these kids are going to learn English since, well, they are using the English-languaged games anyway? Are the English they learn at school enough? If not, then they should be learning more right? This question has been the topic for most people over the last few months, even before I came back to Malaysia. Just imagine, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who experience these sorts of situations. I've witnessed the effect of seeing non-English speaking children speaking wrong English without even realising it.

And so, this is the question I want to ask our 'dear' Government: "What is your main reason to abolish PPSMI in 2012?" These children are so badly in need of English-oriented lessons and all I saw, heard, and read is "selepas membuat kajian mendalam". I do believe that the rakyat would want a full disclosure on the matter. If you keep giving the same reason without detail, people will start to speculate. When they speculate, they blog. When they blog, they got ISA chasing them. Hmmm, maybe I should be watching my back, then.

I LOVE MALAYSIA
BUT I HATE THOSE DESTROYING MY HOME

Michael Jackson's Memorial Service in LA

I just watched the memorial service in the memory of the late King of Pop Michael Jackson on CNN. The service was held at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California and it was a star-studded service attended by the legends and the big guns of the entertainment business. Legends like Berry Gordy, founder of Motown, Smokey Robinson, etc attended the service. It was such a moving ceremony to celebrate the life and legacy of Michael Jackson and all the beautiful memory that he has given us in 45 years as an artist and as a performer. His shimmering gold casket(I'm not sure of the spelling, though) being brought in by his brothers from the Jackson 5 (Marlon, Tito, Randy, and Jermaine) and a few other people. His casket was put in front of the stage. The note written by Nelson Mandela and by Diana Ross, his close friend who played an integral part of his career was simply moving and touching. Mariah Carey sang the song I'll Be There, Jermaine Jackson sang Michael's favourite song Smile, written by Charlie Chaplin, 12-year-old Shaheen Jafargholi from Britain's Got Talent (BGT) sang Who's Loving You and Usher sang Gone Too Soon. Jennifer Hudson, Stevie Wonder and Lionel Richie performed, too.

Shaheen was a contestant in BGT and he was invited to perform with Michael for the O2 Tour in London. Usher performed with such emotion and we went down the stage to touch Michael's casket and choked at the last line of the song. Even a senator from the House of Representative gave a speech saying how great Michael was as an artist and as a humanitarian. They even proposed a resolution, called Resolution 600 that will certify Michael as the greatest performer ever lived and as a truly unbelievable humanitarian. Not to mention speakers like Queen Latifah, Magic Johnson, Kobe Bryant, Brooke Shields and Martin Luther King III.

It was a ceremony befitting the King. Just before the event started, CNN showed a recording just 2 days before his untimely death. It was Michael's last rehearsal before going to London. The 90-second clip proved just enough that he is still the best performer and is still the maestro. During the 2-hour ceremony, the one that moved me the most was Paris Jackson speaking out for the first time and seeing her face along with Blanket and Prince. "When I was born...Daddy was the best father in the world...I love you, daddy..." Then she broke down in tears in the arms of Janet Jackson. It moved me to tears...

Michael's death taught me one thing -love prevails. He has been haunted with accusations of child molestation and so on. But his death may well settle it all. His album sales dominated the charts all over the world and it may, it may proved enough to partially cover his debt and like Marlon said to Michael at the end of the ceremony "Maybe now Michael we will leave you alone". Indeed Michael, now the critics are silenced and all accusations are put to rest. And now you can truly rest in peace.

Dearest Nadia

Dearest Nadia,

I went, along with Zuhri, to visit you yesterday (Saturday). We went there around 9.30am. Just after I parked my car outside of your 'home', there is this subconscious voice in my head that said to me. "Be strong Saiful, that is the only way". Every step I took, the heavier it got. Your 'home' is somewhere near the end of the neighbourhood with a few new neighbours that have joined the neighbourhood after you.

I recited the Yaasin, and my hands were trembling whilst doing so. I swallowed hard all the tears that were trying to force their way out of me. But I managed to hold it in. I couldn't even recite the Yaasin properly because I was trying so hard not to cry in front of you. I prayed to Allah Almighty to always bless you in your new life.

I can't stop myself looking at your pictures and as far as I can remember, there is only 1 picture of me and you, and it was 7 years ago with the man-made waterfall was the background. I'm still trying to look for the picture and I hope to find it soon. I still remember your last status..."a friend of mine just broke up and he wants to be a gay now..". Though not a lot of people know this, but I'm proud that you put it up because of me. I was that friend. Should you be around, I would've been that gay friend of yours. Heh, it gave me a small smile through all of these pains that I've been dealing.

I shall visit you again soon and I'll visit your family, too. I am so sorry I couldn't see them the last time around, I'll try and see them the next time k? I love you in the past, present, future and for eternity. No matter how long it takes, I will see you again...

Death Of A Legend

Michael Jackson (1958-2009)

I love you, Michael Jackson. How you taught me to Don't Stop Till You Get Enough, and The Way You Make Me Feel is unexplainable. You also showed the world to just Beat It if you are not man enough, or if you are not Bad enough. You also showed the world that it doesn't matter if you are Black or White, equality prevails. We used to Remember The Times when we first fell in love, and showed a great deal of caring to Heal The World. We will carry on your cause, Michael because I, along everyone else, believe that You Are Not Alone.

'Boob' Quest -Chapter 2

Hey,

I read my cousin's blog recently and there is this one topic that she wrte that really struck me in the head and started thinking: friendship and trust. She said that no matter how close we are to our friends, never trust them completely. In my opinion, that is very very true. You can only put an unprecedented trust to your immediate family i.e. parents and siblings. It is because you can never know how your friend, if he entrusted you with a very sensitive issue, will react if you accidentally blurted it out to someone else. Bear in mind, that we are human and we are not 'hard disk' that can store your most private personal matters and hide it from the eyes of others. We, as humans, have our own limits. Pressure of being a student/employee, relationships, personal problems, all these are among many of the contributing factors that push us over the limit. And thus, we spill those confidential information to others without even knowing it.

Our friends will think of us are betrayers and not worthy to be called their friend. I think we are not to be blamed because of it. There are other people especially family members that are more than capable to store these private informations. It will not just keep those informations safe, it will also tighten the bond between you and your family members. If, however, the matter is about your family and you can't put it in writing or blogs due to privacy invasion then yes, you can tell your friend about it, but only 10% of it. Just give them a general picture of your problem rather than the full detail of it. The bond between friends can be broken instantly but bonds within your family can't. Don't just tell people your problems, because human beings do judge other human being. That is our nature. We might not tell them, but our body language says it all...

Remember, think twice before commiting yourself....

Hikmah

Hey,

I've been such an emotional wreck lately. Tears were flowing like streams of water over the past week. To lose someone so special and so important is unbearable. And to not be able to attend her funeral is unthinkable. But deep down I know, that Allah has His own plan. He knows best although at times, we felt otherwise. What we plan, He decides. He knows best, and maybe Nadia's passing is a sign for all of us. Maybe we are next in line, or maybe we need to be prepared for the changes that the world may face in the near future. Maybe He didn't want Nadia to go through all the rough patches anymore and put her in the eternal heaven where she will be free and be rewarded for her faith, courage and strength.

I, too, have to be prepared. The life that I was given 21 years ago is the start of the preparation course for the next one. I must admit that I am not religious but I am trying as hard as I can. After being put through a lot of personal problems, mentally, physically and emotionally, I realised that though not all of my friends can help me, but Allah always has a solution. All He needs in return is just a favour from me, His servant. Gratitude. This word itself covers a lot of aspects; pray, zikr, alms, hajj, etc. After what happened to Nadia last week, I must be prepared because my life can be cut short by Allah by His will alone. Maybe this is the hikmah that Allah wanted to show me, maybe this is the silver lining....

I shall meet you on the other side....
We will meet again...

In Loving Memory

In loving memory of my friend/mentor/motivator/love/inspiration.

I have had a lot of good memories of her over nearly 10 years of friendship. Though half of that time we were separated by thousands of miles but we kept close to each other. I was really looking forward to seeing her again next week, but it seems that I'll never ever see her again. But I learnt something new today. Nobody is more powerful that God Himself and God loves Nadia more. I dedicate this post to Nadia...and from this day hence forth, Nadia's picture will be embedded in my blog for as long as this blog exists because, truly, truly, she is one in the whole world....

Al-fatihah

'Boob' Quest -Chapter 1

Hey ya,

As you may have already known, I broke up with my girlfriend a few days ago. It was sad. It was tragic, indeed. But life goes on. I am the type that can put on a very straight face and tell people the truth even when I know that it will hurt me bad. I figured that only by doing so, you can be a better and stronger person. And so with the dissolve of my relationship, I searched for salvation. I needed to get out of my house to recuperate and to bask in His blessings. I needed to learn and understand myself so that I will minimise my mistakes and hopefully to zero.

The opportunity came when a group of friends decided to have BBQ in Swansea. A group of 10 young energetic souls prepared all the necessary stuffs. I was given the role of the navigator-cum-driver. I took it up as I love driving. So, we left Cardiff around 10-ish after a few moment of hiccups and forgotten items and an uncle story-telling to Sapir. We made our way to Port Talbot and after nearly 2 hours of driving, we reached Rhossili Bay. The view was stunning. It was something that astounded me, to be honest. I didn't know UK has such a place and with such a warm weather, who could resist walking along the cliff, smiling and admiring God's creation. Of course, we didn't pass the opportunity for mementos and the sounds of clicks and shutters were heard for most of the time.

We had our first BBQ at Rhossili Bay. It was tiring, considering that we had to go nearly 100 ft down that cliff to the beach. We found a good spot and started to make those chicken crisp and delicious. We also went to the shore because certain people like yours truly, went on an accidental beach hiatus (I think the last one was in 2003). Clicks and shutters were a norm that day. And with the sea wind blowing in our faces, a frisbee turned into boomerang. We even considered not going to other places as Rhossili was such a good place to just relax and release us of our books-filled schedule. Left for Mumbles around 7pm just so that we can have ice-creams (which was surprisingly my first in ages).

We added another 90 minutes to our drive and went Pembrokeshire but it was a waste of time. Nothing there and the only beach there, in my mind, was the dock. So we headed for Tenby, instead but believe it or not we reached there around 11pm and had our second BBQ there. We were later joined by a lifeguard-on-course Andy with his dog Rowan. Had a good chat with him, smoking fags along the way. His dog was awesome. I just finished peeing when she came to me but I simply said no in a strict kind of way and she just stayed put. She then tried to play around with Adam and Adam said sit down, and she obeyed. I was impressed.

Around 1am, we headed back to Cardiff, reaching around 3-ish am. But I didn't drive this time around. I slept like a pig and didn't even realise Mas was sleeping on my shoulder until we stopped by at a Service Centre (a.k.a RnR) somewhere I don't know. And I slept again all the way back to my house. It was fun, tiring, relieving, and enjoyable. It certainly made my day a lot better after all the shits that I've been through lately.

Chapter 2 -to be continued

フラヴルオフライフ

Flavor of life

ありがとうと君にいられると何だか切ない

さようならの後の解けぬ魔法わくほろ苦い

The flavor of life

友達でも老い人でもない中間地点で

風格のひを埋めみてる甥古津

後一歩あう乱せないエイで

じれったいのあんのって？

ありがとうと君にいられると何だか切ない

さようならの後の解けぬ魔法わくほろ苦い

The flavor of life

甘いだけの誘い文句味家のない奥

そんあもの胃わ興味わそそられない

重い通り胃いかないときだって

人生うてたもんあないって

どうしたの？お急にき苛烈の”運、何でもない”

さようならのとにいえるが尾私らしくない

新字体尾願えば絵が鵜小戸何だか切ない

“愛してるよ”おりも“相好き”の方が意味らしいじゃない？

あ刷れかけていた人の思いを乙然思い出す頃

売りつもる雨期の白さをもうとうなおに喜びたいよ

だいやもんどよりも柔らかくてあたたかな未来

手にしたい尾限りある時間尾君と過ごしたい

”ありがとう”と君にいられると何だか切ない

さようならの後の解けぬ魔法わくほろ苦い

The flavor of life

For The Heart I Once Had

Heaven today is but a way
To a place I once called home
Heart of a child, one final sigh
As another love goes cold

Once my heart beat to the
Rhythm of the falling snow
Blackened below, the river now flows
A stream of molten virgin snow

For the heart I'll never have
For the child forever gone
The music flows because it longs
For the heart I once had

Living today without a way
To understand the weight of the world
Faded and torn, old and forlorn
My weak and hoping heart

For the child, for the light
For the heart I once had
I'll believe and foresee
Everything I could ever be

For the heart I'll never have
For the child forever gone
The music flows because it longs
For the heart I once had

Time will not heal a dead boy's scars
Time will kill

For the heart I'll never have
For the child forever gone
The music flows because it longs
For the heart I once had

Choosing The Right Words Is Not Easy

Heya,

Leaving this blog stagnant has been quite a norm for me over the last couple of months as I didn't have as much time as I would have liked but more specifically, there hasn't been much going on for me lately.

Just got back from playing paintball a few days ago and yeah, it was hell of a fun. Being able to be myself after grinding my nose and burn those midnight oil certainly has provided a great lift for me in terms of happiness and confidence. I've certainly been on the downside on those two traits over the last two full moons. Being champion of paintball 2 years in a row brought about a great sense of achievement and relief. Hopefully I'll be able to continue to do that albeit with 10 bruise marks all over me. Might be going to Swansea in the next day or two pending on the weather and time. Need to clean up the house as well as we wanna clear the house of its unused fossils and delivered them to the Islamic Relief Centre for good use.

Also watched Last Chance Harvey. It was a great movie depicting normal people with normal lives and the love spurned out when you are 'running' out of time with your life and being caged with work and personal problems. Having watched this, I called Sarah babe for advice and help with my own battle with personal problems. She has been integral in shaping my life to what it is today and babe, whatever we talked about that time, we keep it to ourselves yeah? Would really appreciate it if you can do this. And owh, this goes to Hana as well. We didn't get to talk as much but I think I pretty much said everything that I need to. Hopefully, the ripple caused by a drop of water doesn't create a big wave, if you know what I mean. Like I said, choosing the right words is not easy. And silence is golden and with only the two people that I treasure the most is a perfect way to epitomise those phrases.

Well, I'm running out of ideas. I'll try and keep my promise to keep my blog up-to-date yeah?

Cheers, loves

Exam sucks

OFFICIALLY I am at the lowest point of my entire life.

I have two crunching papers next week (Monday and Tuesday) and it's fucking tough just looking at the notes and the past years. I still don't understand the purpose of examinations because all those efforts that you put in over the course of the year is being judged by a single exam. It's a bit unfair, in my opinion. There is a form of unfairness in that. Some people would study like hell over those months and suddenly, he got a migraine or whatever. And it couldn't come at a better time than during the exam itself. And the university judge the student performance based on that. I believe and still believe that giving assignments a larger proportion of the overall marks is a more appropriate measure of a student's performance. It would be unfair for those who didn't attend a single class but manage to score in the exam because he analyses the exam papers and can get the general picture of the questions that will be asked in the exams. It is unfair for those who have worked their asses off for this one exam. I can be fairly biased in my opinion because I have a knack of not scoring in my exams but got a fairly good result for my assignments. I do believe that in working life, you are not judged by a single 3-hour examination but over a period of time. So I do think that assignments are a better measure of performance rather than exams.

Hatred

Hey,

I am so sick with myself lately. I've been too busy studying and I don't even have the time for myself until I ended up having high fever almost everyday and to make things worse, I threw up quite a lot yesterday. I couldn't sleep as well as I could and I ended up rolling in bed screaming at myself until I fell asleep around 5am, when the sun was about to rise. I don't even have the time to spend with my loved one because of this. All I wanted to say is fuck you exams...

Halfway

Hey ya,

Sorry for leaving this blog stagnant over the last fortnight or so. Been really busy with exams. And I have to apologise because I don't think I will be updating my blog until my last paper (2nd June). I have finished 3 papers so far (which were like uber shits) and I have 3 more to go. So it's fair to say I am halfway back from hell, but it's going to get tougher till I reach back (hopefully) in one piece. Till then, cheers.

I love my course

I love my course

I love my course

I love my course

I love my course

I love my course

I love my course

I love my course

I love my course

I love my course

I love my course

I love my course

'Boob' Quest -Prologue

Well, I'm still looking. Looking for that elusive 'boob'. Life is just not that way, I guess. Sometimes you can see it, sometimes you can feel it. But for me, it has been neither. Life is so complicated that one can never put it in words to describe it accurately. All the words used to describe my life has been both exaggeration and understatements.

Had a chat with Sarah babe about those 'boobs'. She is undoubtedly, the best person in the world. She is the best. In a girly tone, she is like sooo awesome. She is my heart, with Hana being my soul. We spent nearly an hour on Skype™ talking about loads of stuffs -studies, life, relationships, families, and the likes. And I just realised how much I miss her and we haven't spoke to each other for like a month or so. Talking to her made my life whole again. Such a long friendship we share. 8 years and still going strong. I wouldn't even be surprised if we'll eventually become neighbours and we have families of our own. Kinda far-fetched, don't you think? Haha...

Well, I am leaving this post here. Oh yeah, to Hana, I love you my dearest bestfriend, and please please do pick up the phone if I call you ok? =P

Cheers

Pharaohs, Boobs, and Books

Hey ya,

First and foremost, I am deeply sorry that my blog has been left stagnant and un-updated over the last few weeks. Been having a lot of things to do with so little time available. Been stressed out, too. Exams is upon me, with less than 4 weeks away. I am already feeling nervous as I, well, have been slacking over the last few months. And my biological body clock is not helping either. Been sleeping in the wee hours and wake up only after a few hours. I haven't had enough sleep since God-knows-when. Maybe I'm used to it but the fatigue is taking its toll on my body. I would always feel tired yet I could not sleep although I have taken painkillers to soothe my headache. Emotional-wise, it has been a roller coaster ride. At some point in time, I felt like I am on top of the world, and most of the time, I felt like I am 6 ft under. I guess that is life, right? I still remember this one quote from a movie "Life is a bitch, no doubt about it. But like bitches, they have their boobs, too". Well, I guess I just have to find those 'boobs'.

And Egypt was fun. It really took my mind off things that have been such a bother to me. Meeting new friends, of which I think is the best way to really not think. Met 3 incredibly awesome friends, one an Egyptian, the other 2 are from the States. Doaa, a receptionist at the hotel that we're staying in Cairo is really a wonderful person. She made one of the best coffee that I have ever tasted, and she is a wonderful person to talk to. Han and Azmera were the other 2 people that I met in Aswan, on a free cruise ride to the Botanical Garden. Well, not really a cruise per se, it was just a boat, really. We got along really well and spent around 3 days together, having lunches and dinners together. It was really the highlight of my trip.

And now I'm back in Cardiff, my mind is significantly clear of problems and I can now concentrate on my studies. No more distractions, no more big problems, just books. I want to be like Mo, my kakak angkat. She got an offer to work in PwC (Cardiff). If she can do it, so can I. And I am going to try my best to beat Falah, to keep the streak of beating him going.

Till then,

Cheers

To the Gallows

The room is depressing,

Chains bound me hands and feet,

With every moment passing,

A knock on the door, I will greet.

Then, knock knock on the door,

I can only look up to it,

A silhouette with a feeling of cold,

A feeling of fear, I can't hide it.

The rays of the sun showers me,

I entrenched myself in the warmth,

Knowing this is the last one for me,

As coldness will take away the warmth.

I walked in the plaza,

Where there stood a platform,

The gallows stared with frightening eyes,

Well that is his norm.

I turned my back,

To see you following me in chains,

A smile we crack,

For we promised to go through joy and pains.

As the nooses wrapped around our neck,

Counting the seconds to our neck crack,

This is everything that I wanted back,

So we can be together till all we see is BLACK....

I love you

On Cloud Nine

Now I'm speechless,

Over the edge, I'm just breathless,

I never thought I'd catch this LOVE BUG, again...

Hopeless,

Head over heels in the moment,

I'd never thought that I'd get hit by this LOVE BUG, again...

Amri9 *smiling*

LOVE...again

Hey ya,

Now I know that all of you have already read about this topic loads of time, but what the hell, I'm going to write again. The idea came up while I was chatting with someone in a land far far away (well, not so far la, actually =P) and she suggested that I write what are my feelings towards this, etc.

I honestly don't know what to write. I can't seem to think straight whenever I have other things going on, be it good or bad. Say, for example, I have a crush on someone. I'll keep thinking about her even though I'm doing something else. Or, say I just got my results and it didn't go well as I would have like, I will be sulking in my room for days with only meals, showers, and prayers as exceptions. That is why, my fellow readers, my blog is not updated everyday, and it can become stagnant and lifeless for a while. It means that I have something going on in my head or in my schedule that will keep me off the keyboard, mouse and the world without borders.

Oh, I'm drifted from my intended-topic. Hmm...what am I feeling right now about this? I still believe that love is something best unsaid by the the two folds of heart i.e. it doesn't matter if you decided to date her but not taking it further. It will only make things more and more complicated should there be any advancement in relationship status. But both of the lovebirds must decide to keep it 'simple'. There are times when one person thought they are keeping it simple, while the other is keeping her hopes up for a proposal to be in a relationship. If this happens, then bye-bye to keeping it simple and a relationship. As for me, I don't mind either. As a person, I would be delighted to know that I am in a relationship and I have someone that I care and cares for me as well. On the other hand, it would scare the shit out of me thinking about marriages and kids. Hence, the having someone that you care and vice versa but not in a relationship. But it kills me whenever it stops so abruptly when the other half loves somebody else and I can't do anything since, well, I am not IN A RELATIONSHIP.

So it all depends on the two parts of equation to decide which is best to make it balanced. As long as there is faith by the both of them towards each other, then they can stay strong, be in officially in a relationship or just keeping it plain simple. Faith and understanding play a big part in shaping one's love life and the players need all of these, among other things, to keep ahead of the game or it is game over...

Cheerio...

p/s: To someone reading this, shouldn't you be preparing for something? =P

Desire

I BELIEVE IN DESIRE

愛しく強く飽きしめて

染め変えてあげる

激しく高く燃え上がる

恋頃よ

I BELIEVE IN DESIRE

静香に亜樹をかけて

遠ざかろ靴音

無意味な矢さしたあけ

SOFAで感じている

王浅し我きて

何もなかったみたいに

得ない時間だけを

阿多刻み始めるよ

愛しく深く抱きしめて

染め変えてあげる

美しく咲くバラの用に

はかなきもの

I BELIEVE IN DESIRE

今まで過ちさえ

知らずにきた私

今でわき身の胸で

眠りについた私

真夜中のCALL

戸惑い隠せない

誰かの言葉におびえていた

今すぐ早く抱き寄せて

暖めてあげる

偽りのRINGより

ずっと確かなもの

I BELIEVE IN DESIRE

ささやく声と手を重ね

離れられずいた

寄り添う二人わ夜明けを

憎んでいた

愛しく強く抱きしめて

染め変えてあげる

激しく高く目尾あがる

恋心よ

I BELIEVE IN DESIRE

Horizon Afar

It has been a long, long day,

Walking under the ray of light,

The day is nothing short of gay,

The faces of joy and delight.

Yet I can't seem to smile,

Not to even crack it,

Oh this life is so vile,

Wonder how I can survive it.

I looked into the horizon,

I fell on my knees,

Hands high into heaven,

Mouthing something like pleas.

I asked the Almighty above,

To tell me the answer,

Is is true that I can't love?

That my life is for no one to bother?

I garnered my strength,

With all my might, I tried,

To stand up on my legs,

Along with a grimace of pain, I cried.

Rain now trickling down my face,

Wept my brows with my sleeves,

I turned away at a snail's pace,

Head down, with feelings of sorrow and grief...

This is, the end of the road for me...

S.H.I.T

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!!!!

I feel so embarrassed and felt like an idiot. Saiful, you stupid fuck! Why???? You idiot, idiot. You just blew it BIG TIME!! Better put your head in the washing machine NOW!!!

Weekend

Hey ya,

Now I can (hopefully) update my blog regularly since I've finished all of my assignments and with only 1 week of class left. I don't have any new ideas on what to write, really. So I guess, I'll just write about my weekend. It was well, considering that I actually down with fever.

Saturday:

Woke up around 10.30am after Mo called me to ask me to come to the football field to train the girls for the upcoming tournament next week. I was so tired considering I only had 4 hours of sleep. But I went, eventually. Trained the girls about the basic stuff of footballing. Puteh and Arief were there, too. And owh, Rahim was there too. Had a little 5-on-5 and it was fun altogether. After that, I chilled out at Zira's place with Naz and Aliana for an hour or so. Had this peach-apple drink which I truly liked and didn't even know it exists. And I also cooked for them char kuey teow. It was ok, not bad at all. Went back around 2pm and wanted to go to the city but ended staying at home. EG came to Cardiff that night and went to dinner with him along with a few other friends to celebrate Muni's birthday. Had a long chit-chat with them until we went back around midnight. By then, I was already tired and went back to sleep around 1am.

Sunday

Woke up around noon after receiving a call from Fahmi about football training and so I went (despite feeling dizzy due to fever) with my housemates. EG went back that evening. Spent every ounce of my energy playing and was (according to Naz) pale. Stayed back after we finished to help the girls trained some more. All in all, we finished around 5pm. Headed back for dinner (pizza) and retracted myself into my room and started reading "New Moon", of which I know most of you have already read. And since it was such a long time since I last watched Twilight, so I watched it again to make sure I don't get confused while reading. And now, I am writing here and this is when I stop. Hehe. Well, it is not much of an update really with a seemingly normal weekend. I just hope that my fever would go away so that I can go to class tomorrow. Till then, cheers.

Remain Hopeful

Hey ya,

Been too fucking busy lately, didn't even have the time to just sit down and have my own "me" time due to assignment, which surprisingly went well. Well, now that Easter is just around the corner, I am still yet to plan my holiday. Spoke to my brother about the possibility of going to Dublin for a weekend or so, hopefully he won't be busy. I still can't find a reason why I should go to Dublin but a couple of friends asked me to go there for trying my luck with something. They all know I have been having some sort of curse when it comes to this matter and hopefully this curse would end.

I don't have much faith in this matter but will give it a shot nonetheless. My history has not been on my side and so I'm going to try and make it right this time. But how much will I gain? I'm not sure, just have to go with the flow, as they say...

Girls' Generation

I am so addicted to this group from Korea

Girls' Generation

What's The Worst Thing That Could Happen...

Hey ya,

sorry again for the lack of updates, been either too busy or too tired to blog these days. Especially with what happened last thursday -the day when I had to submit my bloody assignment.

I was supposed to submit my assignment at 10.00am Thursday 5th March. So I decided to stay up the night before to check my work and print it. So I'll break this torturous night in a time-chronology so that it can tell how shitty that night was:

10pm- Wan came to my house for some last-minute info. He stayed up, too. At my place.

12am- Still have 700 words left with so much to write with little time. Managed to find some good points from books but overshot it by 300. Ah, what the heck. 2800 pun kire ok la. Took a little break around 2am.

3am -My Microsoft Word couldn't read the equations that I've put it, because I was using my friend's laptop. And the worst part was, I couldn't save it. The computer said my hard disk was full (again, what the heck, I had 700GB left in my hard disk and 8GB on my thumbdrive). And so, I had to print whatever I have written in my computer and had to rewrite everything back. All 2800 words of them. Shit.

7.20am- Finished re-writing the whole damn report. Had to help Wan with his report since there were a few things that he couldn't find.

8.30am- Time to print my final work after checking and re-checking. But couldn't print it since I had to install it. The bloody installation took 45mins but failed to complete it since I must have the CD.

9.15am- Had to do some 'archaeological' dig in my room for that precious relic. Luckily I still have it with me, and the installation took less than 5 mins. Phew.

9.30am-Finished printing. Had to put it in clear pockets to avoid it being scruffy and tercabut from the staples.

9.40am- Ran to the business school to submit the report. Took 15 mins just to get there. And it felt like eternity. Not to mention bloody cold as well.

9.55am- Reached the business school but had to fill one final form to show that we have sent the freaking report. And shit, I forgot my student ID. Had to open my wallet and look at it.

9.58am- Finally submitted the bloody report. The receptionist said that we would've missed the dateline since she was about to lock the slot where we put our assignments through.

10am- Relieved but shit, have class now. Ah, screwed it. I'm going home and sleep...

Some people say that reports are fun to do. And they say "Hey, what's the worst thing that could happen?". Well, the worst thing did happen.

Moral of the story: NEVER DO YOUR ASSIGNMENTS AT THE 11TH HOUR

To Ninie

To my dear cousin Ninie,

Thanks for the advise that you gave me. It brought me back to reality after hearing them. I now have a new purpose and a new goal -to be a better person and be an all-rounder. I will do my best to take care of myself about personal matters and not lie to myself or anyone anymore. Your advise has shown me a new path and hopefully the hidayah will shine upon it and help me walk along the path. Thank you again, so much.


To my readers, whoever you may be, I'm so sorry that this blog is becoming more and more stagnant. I will do my best to blog over the weekend. Till then, cheers

Love

Hey ya,

It's been a while since I last wrote anything, I was quite busy with a lot of stuff lately and it doesn't seem like it's going to stop anytime soon. There are other things, of course, that are in my mind.

Today I will bore you with a little story and my thought on the matter of love. A few weeks, a group of friends and yours truly went out for a movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. A friend of mine who was sitting next to me asked me a question, "Do you still have a crush on her?". And I said, "Yes, but I don't think that anything will happen between the two of us, because I think she is already seeing someone". He asked me whether I am sure or not that she is seeing someone. I said that even a blind man can see them together. He asked again why didn't I go for her. I simple replied "Who am I compared to him?". He said that I do have my qualities and it is just she doesn't see it. I have to agree with the former but disagree on the latter.

Everybody has their own qualities, be it good-looking, smart, charming, spontaneous, etc. I think that I myself have a quality that no other people have and vice versa. They say if you have that quality, you should be able to get any girl that you want. Well, it is not really the case, to say the least. In reality, no matter how many good qualities that you have against other people, if that significant other is not looking for those qualities, you will still lose. I do not believe that it is the quality that you have is the advantage, it is the quality that you have AND it is what the significant other wants will make you the leading man/girl in the race, should there be others who are vying for that recognition of love. But it is not just that, you have to work hard for it as well. There are exceptions where you do not have any qualities that he/she desires but if you work hard for it and have nothing to lose, you may be the winner once the dust has settled. Well, that is you quality, working hard. Some people need some sort of persuasion to accept your qualities, some just know that you have that quality. I strongly do not believe in chemistry because it doesn't last long (normally) if you have that chemistry in such short space of time. But hey, love is unpredictable. People have different ways of voicing their opinion on this subjective matter, and do pardon me if my opinion contravenes with yours.

Till then,

Cheers

Woohooo

Woohoo!!!

The holy grail of Coburn16 has been found!!! Hahahahaha!!!

Ode of Spring

As I look through my window,
The usual sight now in place,
No more whites from the snow,
The green pasture are celebrated with grace.

No more heartache from the core,
No more pain to the body,
The healing are now sooting the sore,
Like the sun bathing the green open country.

From the cold winter chill,
To the sunnier side of spring,
I couldn't be more thrill,
For the joy that spring will bring.

The frost on my cheek,
Are beginning to melt,
I crack my first smile in a week,
After a week full of sorrow and fret.

As I look up to the heaven,
Smelling the scent of the flower blooms,
This is my haven,
This is my asylum.

Oh spring, shine thy light upon me,
For I've been yearning to see thee.

Defined by Opportunities, Even by Those Missed

"Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss" -The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

We are all born under different circumstances and situations. Some are born rich, some are born poor, some are born genius, some are born stupid. But no matter what environment that we grew up in, the surroundings, the friends, it doesn't really make you who you are, it all comes down to opportunities i.e. it's our choice on how we want to lead our lives. Say, in friendship, you have a bestfriend(s), you have the opportunity to just think of them as only a friend or an acquaintance, but you let that opportunity go. It defines you as someone who treasures friendships. If you have a bestfriend and then you got into a fight with them, and you became their worst enemies, it is because you took  the opportunity to, maybe, defend yourself of criticism or to make them realise that they are wrong.

All things are the way they are because you took the opportunity that was given to you or you decided not to take the opportunity that was presented to you. Sometimes, luck plays its role in making things the way they are. But that is only a small piece compared to opportunities that you took. It is just that you don't know what will happen once you took the opportunity.

I can say I've had my fair share of opportunities that I have taken and let go. There were some that I really know the consequences, the rest I didn't. All of them, however, have made numerous impacts in my life.  Some are good, some are bad. Some you just enjoyed taking the opportunity, some you just regretted. What I am and who am I being right now is the results of the opportunities that I have taken. There are also those opportunities that other people took and let go and had a hand in shaping me into what I've become. Friendships found and lost, love gained and lost, all these are the results from the opportunities from not just me, but by everyone else. However, not all things last forever. No matter how many opportunities we took, we will always end up losing those results, after a certain period of time. This is what we call fate.

"We are meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?" -The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

In the midst of the snow

Who can say for certain,

Who knows how I feel,

Even myself, I'm certain,

I don't know how I feel.

I walked alone,

People walking by,

I looked at them,

But none looking back.

My jacket covered with snow,

My hands are trembling,

As I trot on the white carpet,

The thought in my mind started racing.

Why am I feeling like this?

I know I shouldn't be like this,

But I can't stop myself from thinking,

Thinking of the only person that matters to me.

She is one of a kind,

She is an angel,

She is the saviour,

She is my messiah.

As I looked at her,

From far beyond,

In the midst of the falling snow,

Oh dear,

How I long for her to see me,

Just so that she could see me,

And only me.

But the spotlight isn't on me,

It is on her,

I am just another face in the crowd,

People are looking at her,

And none at me.

I can only crack a smile,

Just happy to look at her,

And then I walk away,

Smiling all the way.

Trotting on the virgin snow,

In this snowy linen land,

This is when I take my bow,

To disappear through the curtain of white flakes,

And come back again,

Just so I can look at her.

p/s: Had no idea to write, really. Guess I'm having, as Sarah babe calls it, Writer's Block. Well, I'll try and update as much as I can. Need to find my lost pictures (7000+ of them). Shit

The Thought Of A Dead Mind

A fresh breeze of air,

Filled my lungs as I breathe,

A long sigh follows suit,

What a day, what a day.

We walked together,

Down this road we don't know,

Along with our friends,

We walked a little bit longer.

You smiled at me,

With that smile I yearn to see,

And I smiled back,

A smile of both happiness and sadness.

Oh how I long to be with you,

To have you by my side,

To be the one that I care,

And to be the one that you care.

Deep in my smile,

Deep in the sound of laughter,

I know, I know,

I will never be that person.

I am never good enough,

I never existed in your life,

Though I tried to be there for you,

You were never there to greet me.

You may realise, you may not,

I always have your interest in my heart,

You are the air that I breathe,

You are the water that I drink.

I can't tell you how I feel for you,

I am scared of losing you,

'Cos if I do,

I will lose my will to live.

And so I am telling you,

I am here forever,

No matter how long it takes,

I will stand where I am, watching over you.

I may not be rewarded, I don't care,

Seeing you happy is what I am craving,

Wherever you put me in your heart,

That is my reward.

I may never exist in your eyes,

Invisible to you,

But I am shouting, right in front of your eyes,

"I LOVE YOU".

A Detour to the Underworld

Hey ya,

Today is a very weird day for me. Weird in a good way. Naz, Jufri, Sapir and myself planned to watch Underworld that premiered in the UK today. Naz, Jufri and me went first to Cineworld. But while we were on the way, a brother approached us asking for a favour. His name was Said from Iran (or was it Iraq? I'm not so sure). He asked us for a direction to the nearest mosque so that he could find a place to sleep as he just got to Cardiff and his friend who he was supposed to meet was not in Cardiff, but in Birmingham. We decided to help him, but to no avail, we could not confirm whether Darul Isra' was open or not because it was already past Isya' prayers. What made us feel compelled to help him is because of what happened to him while looking for a mosque.

He has been going about the city asking for a little bit of money just so that he could buy a bus ticket to go to Birmingham which would cost him £23. He asked around any Muslim brother that he could find just asking for a little help but they turned him away, saying "Sorry but I can't help you". He then decided, in a state of emergency, to go to the church if they could give him a little bit of help. Though the church didn't give him money, they provided him with sandwich, biscuits and coffee. They even gave him a blanket to keep himself warm since he can't stay in the church. Having heard this, we decided to take him to the bus station to buy him his bus ticket. Unfortunately, the tickets office was already closed and the first bus that we could find for him is on Saturday at 0745 hours. By that time, Sapir had already joined us. So we decided to give him the money as we had other plans. By the reaction of his face, we knew that he was indeed desperate for help. It was because we decided to give a little over £30 so that he can buy some food for himself, but he refused as he only needed the money sufficient enough to buy the bus ticket. It showed how much he needed our help, but we insisted saying a Muslim should help other Muslim and he is after all our brother. And so he left, to stay the night at the train station with the blanket from the church. I really hope that he would be fine when he reaches Birmingham tomorrow. May Allah bless him, and I hope that our little contribution would make all of us a better person.

I now started thinking. We, as a Muslim, condemned the Israelis over the bombardment of Gaza. Demonstrations and strikes were held in various countries as a sign to show our unity. However it saddened me to hear that one Muslim brother could not get the help he so desperately needed. And we call ourselves Muslim. We were brought up with Islamic values and ever since we were just a tot, we learn that "Semua orang Islam adalah saudara". As a brother to one another, we should help each other whenever we are capable of helping them. It really brought tears into my eyes, thinking about all these. Those people who brings fire into his speeches, telling people to go for jihad, saying we should die to defend Islam, and not being afraid to do so. And yet, no one would even give a helping hand when a brother needed one. Is this Islam? Is this what you called brotherhood? Is this what you called unity?

Amri's Series of Funny Event Part I

Hey ya,

I am feeling a bit itchy nowadays. No, not because I have a disease of something, but the itchiness to write. I haven't blogged in ages, due to exams and PMS (yeah, I have those =P), but now I am going to write a little bit about the things that made me laugh and a little bit of today's roundup. This post is written, or typed, as an answer to a request by me 'darling'. Well, here goes:

Funny Event 1:

It was around a couple of months ago when we had this little makan-makan session at 16 Coburn. A dear friend of mine was also there, among others. Incidentally, it was Wednesday and it was my turn to cook. So, I looked up the Internet to find a recipe for the night's dinner. And so I found it, ayam masak lemak cili api. All the ingredients needed was already there in the kitchen. All I need to do was to just cook and hoped for the best. It has been awhile since I last read a recipe in BM, so I totally forgot the meaning of "tumis". I thought it meant "blend", and so I did. Only when I was near halfway when she told me that tumis has a different meaning. So it destroyed the taste a little bit. And while we were cooking, there were some ingredients that were inside a small cabinet just beside the stove. She tried to open it -with both hands- but she couldn't. I initially thought that the door was stuck or the hinges may have been rusty or whatever. But it turned out that she was pulling the middle beam of the cabinet -the beam that keeps the cabinet's shape. She was trying to pull it as if the door weighs a tonne. It is thus proven that she rarely goes to the kitchen to cook (hehe, sorry, I know I promised to be a good boy =P).

Funny Event 2:

This event happened some time during the recent exam period. I was at Lydia's place studying for my paper. She always offered me coffee whenever I am there. Most of the time she would make 2, one for me and another for herself. I usually use Coffee Mate as a creamer but Lydia used milk instead. She poured some milk into our mugs and then she put the milk at the base of the kettle. We usually we put the kettle at its platform to heat the water, but somehow she put the milk there. It took a good few seconds for her to realise that it is not it supposed to be. And yes, I bear witness to all the fiasco that happened in that kitchen. She is truly a makcik. =P

Tag II

Hey ya,

This is another tag that I have to do, to my cousin Izzah, sorry, I must've missed it. Well here goes:

THREE NAMES PEOPLE CALL YOU:

Epul (most people)

Amri (football mates)

Apoi (Family)

THREE MOST IMPORTANT DATES IN YOUR LIFE:

1207

1602

2107

and owh another one, 3006

THREE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE IN THE LAST 33 MINUTES:

Reading blogs

Singing

Talking on the phone

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:

Be with friends

Books

Writing

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS AS OF NOW:

98º-Invisible Man

Kanye West-Love Lockdown

Do As Infinity- Desire

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:

Photography

Singing

Coffee

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR VACATION:

Tokyo

Kaherah

Berlin

THREE FAVOURITE CARTOON/ANIME CHARACTER:

Emperor's New Groove

Rukawa Kaede (Slam Dunk)

Madagascar

THREE MALL YOU USUALLY GO TO:

Queen Street

St. Mary's Street

Salisbury Road (Grocery shopping)

THREE FAVOURITE DRINKS:

Teh tarik

Starbucks® Cappucino

J2O

THREE THINGS FOUND IN YOUR BAG:

iPod™ Touch

A pair of gloves

Pencil case

THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS:

Black

Blue

Red

TOP THREE HANGOUT:

16 Coburn

Aberdare Hall

86 Cathays Terrace

TOP THREE FOOD YOU LOVE SO MUCH:

Mom's Udang Masak Sambal Petai

Ayam Masak Lemak Cili Api

Uncle Sunrise's Chicken Tikka Baguette

TOP THREE "THINGS" SPECIAL TO YOU:

Hana, Sarah, Papar, Zalina

Mia familia

Smile

TOP THREE ATTITUDES YOU LIKE:

Smile

Down to earth

Caring

THREE THINGS YOU'LL BE DOING TOMORROW:

Play football (hopefully)

Watch football (definitely)

Start doing assignment (erm....)

THREE REASONS YOU ANSWERED THIS SURVEY:

A tag from my cousin

I am bored

Haven't blog in ages

TOP THREE WHY YOU ARE BUSY AT THIS TIME:

Assignment

Messy room

Facebook

THREE PERSONS YOU WANT TO TAG:

Sarah Iqbal

Hana Zakariah

Lydia Benging

Tag

Hey ya,

Now let's take a little breather from all the nonsense that I've been talking about for the last couple of months. Well, it is another nonsense, really. But funny nonsense. This the tag (my first tag assignment =P) that have been, well, assigned to me by my dearest Along. Owh, thanks for the compliment, too. Really brought a smile onto my face. Well, here goes the tagging session.

Upload your favorite picture of you!

Why do you like that picture?

Well, it has a lot of meaning to it, really...being a photographer and also being a thinker, it kinda put everything into one picture.

When was the last time you ate pizza?

Gee, I can't remember, really...Guess it was nearly a month ago, didn't really have anything to eat, so me and my housemate decided to buy pizza instead

The last song you listened to?

98º- Invisible Man

What are you doing right now besides this?

Listening to the soothing melody from Beethoven

Which name would you prefer beside yours?

If I have a son, I would name him Amirul Amri (Leader of the Enlightened)

People to tag:

1. Hana Zakariah

2. Sarah Iqbal

3. Nadia Salehuddin

4. Ainna Jawaher

5. Nuraina Annuar

Who is number one?

One of my longest friend and certainly my longest best friend. 11 years of laughter and tears, and there is no stopping our friendship and will carry it 6ft under when it is time to go.

Number three is having a relationship with?

A guy named A'qil. Haven't met him though, But would love to someday when I get back.

Say something about number five?

Known her since 2000, we were tutionmate back then. Don't really get to see her as often as I would have like, but our friendship stretches more than just meeting, we'll talk to each other whenever we have the chance to do so.

How about number four?

She is one of a kind. A girl who really taught me a lot of stuff although we are not as close. Read her blog often and she can really write. Way better than me.

Who is number two?

My other half, my twin, my heart and soul. She completes me in every way possible, and a shoulder to cry on whenever I am not being myself.