Confusion

This usually happens to me whenever I'm alone or watching some emo movie or listening to emo music and stuff like that. However, over the past 2 weeks I've been thinking about it everyday, day and night and most of the time, I ended up sleepless for days.

Recently, I had a fight with my girlfriend around a month ago. It was my honesty that triggered that argument, really. I openly said that I was yet to get over my ex-girlfriend. It triggered a massive fight, well emotionally that is, between us. And it has left our relationship battered and bruised ever since, and it is still not repaired. Everytime I do something, whether be it in Friendster or Facebook or in my blog (the previous URL), we'll always end up in an argument.

Now I am not going to defend myself in anyway, nor am I blaming her. It was, after all, my fault in the beginnning. Some say I shouldn't have said those things to keep my relationship just the way it is and some say I should have. If it's the former that I choose, wouldn't that be living in lies? We would be lying to the both of ourselves. I, in this case, would be the culprit for being a Two-Face. Some say I should've kept it until the time is right to tell her but when is the right time? How can we know? We can never know when are we going to get over our first love. Everyone knows that first love cuts the deepest, and I am close to a full recovery and yes, me and my ex-girlfriend are friends and nothing more. However, it is a different story between me and my current gilfriend.

Now, I chose the latter, because I believe that in a relationship, there should be no secret. However, this is only a small proportion compared to the real me, the one without secrets. I decided to tell her about it (it being the getting-over part) as a 'teaser', a some sort of indication that I want to share my secret with her and so this would be the first of many to come. Though she is my girlfriend, she doesn't know me as my bestfriends know me. They know me inside out. But now, since that little 'teaser' turned out to be the button for a catasthropic nuclear explosion, I wondered if I should tell her any secrets.

About a week ago, she called me and went totally berserk when she found out that I changed my blog URL. I did it because I do not want to share all of my secrets with her. If that little 'teaser' proved to be a calamity, how can I share my bigger secrets? In that phone call, she asked if I wanted to continue my relationship, and I decided to take my time and think before doing anything.

So, the options left are yes to break-up or no to break-up. I have to really think about it. If I say yes, it would break her heart completely and mine as well. If I say no, I'll end up hurting her even more. I'll be living a lie and if she finds out, which she will one day if we continue, it's like feeding myself with uranium -just like the rare polonium-210 fed to ex-Russian egent Alexander Litvinenko. But after thinking through this for a long long time, I now have reached my decision, however, it is not final. Whatever it is, I can only wait to answer her questions....