'Boob' Quest -Chapter 5

Hey ya,

Life has been unfair to me recently. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Being sick for a good three weeks coupled with coughing blood were just the start of my worries. Being sick physically has never been much of a problem to me. Having quite a low immunity against sickness has been a norm for me. But I'm going to talk about that because I know it will be over and I'll soon forget it. I'm here to talk about life. Again. Sorry for not blogging about anything else because I am just too fucked up to write about anything else.

It seems like ages ago,

My life seems colourful,

The life that passed me by and go,

Leaving me behind, just like a fool.

The vivid memory of my past,

Is slowly fading away,

How much longer will it last,

Before it all turn to grey.

I am indeed losing my mind,

My heart, my soul, my sanity,

They were pure at the beginning of time,

And now they are just toxicities.

And this small part of my heart,

I will put it in a sack,

And the sack in a chest tightly shut,

That can be opened only by code, just like a cryptext.

So before my body gave way,

Before I shut my eyes,

Before the word "fuck" I can't no longer say,

Let me live and fuck my own life...

Helpers Wanted

Hey,

I have a question, which one is harder? Having to keep 1 promise or having to keep 3 or 4 promises? If, say, A has to keep 1 promise to B who has to keep 3 or 4 promises and both of them break their promises, one for each party, would it be those 2 promises cancel each other out? I am at a limbo here and I need help....

'Nuff Said

Hey ya,

I am a student and being a student, especially to those studying oversea and leaving their families behind for the first time, can be a torrid time. The "culture shock" that most people has is nothing new in a student's life. For example, if you are used to having nasi lemak for breakfast and having to change to cereal and English breakfast is hard work. The same goes to the cultural effect. Like, smoking....

I have 2 principles that I held on for so long. And regretfully, I had to admit that I threw away one of them and you guessed it, it was smoking. I first started smoking some time around January 2008. I first started smoking because of the stress and pressure from studies and other external factors. Also due to the fact that I feel intimidated at times with my friends. All of them will discuss matters while smoking and I felt left out so I took my first cigarette to feel "one" with them.

Of course, I said "Oh no, this will be a one-time only" and after the 2nd cigarette "It's okay, I won't get addicted to it" and after the 3rd stick "I'm a social smoker, I don't smoke regularly" and the next thing I knew, I've been smoking 4-5 sticks a day. The fact that you feel you need to do this to be accepted by your friends is just pure bullshit. And some people would say that they are my close friends and I have to do as they do. It's not supposed to be like that. A friend would not ask you to do the same thing he does. A smoker won't ask somebody else to smoke. Even my housemate told me not to smoke because it'll get me addicted, but since he smokes, and I felt like I need to smoke to get noticed by people, it just got me nowhere. A true friend should keep another friend from harm. That includes doing things that can destroy your own body. Sarah babe has been lecturing me for nearly 2 years to stop smoking but since I was already addicted to it, it's hard for me to stop and I am still trying. If you want to stop smoking, stop it as early as you can, don't stop it after you're hooked to it. I've been there. Trust me. Don't take your non-addictions for granted. You may feel that you'll never get addicted but by the time you know it, it'll be like climbing the Everest to get better.

The same goes to alcohol. Alcohol is my last remaining principle that I will hold on to, and I will never ever surrender this principle. I have experienced myself talking to a drunken friend when I was in Lang Tengah. I was with 7 other friends who all drinkers. Some of them got drunk and one friend told me in a drunken tone "Saiful, I..respect you. You hang out with us...we drink beers and stuff...but you don't...you...are one great friend, I wish all my friends were like you...you have dignity". And as I have experienced, I never have problems going to bars and pubs with friends and I don't touch a single alcohol to impress them or to be accepted. They are proud that I don't drink, and I think that is what friends should do, keeping others from harm's way. If they are the ones who put you in harm's way, even by encouraging you to drink/smoke so that you're accepted by them, it means that they are not your friend at all. Enough said.

I welcome any comment from any readers be it for my argument or against it. I welcome both sides of the story and will do my absolute best to entertain you.

Cheers

Stop: Promise or Try?

Hey ya,

I recently encountered a situation whereby 2 person (be it a couple or just friends) talk to each other about promises. When one of them did something wrong and never wanted to repeat itself again, he'll say "I promise I'll stop" but if he actually liked doing that wrong deed, he'll say "I'll try and stop from doing it".

These 2 responses are totally different to one another. They represent 2 significant differences is the magnitude of the effort. "I'll stop" would mean a person would do whatever it takes to stop from the wrongdoing while the latter would just means that he would try, to a certain extent, to stop it but not completely. Should he fail to do so, the sense of guilt will be lessen by just saying "Hey, at least I tried"...

So which one is your stand when u start doing something that is against the universe i.e God, religion, nation, etc? Is it going to be promise to stop and be given full pardon? Or is it going to be the "at least I tried" answer and still committing crimes and sins towards nations, religions and God Himself? The choice is up to you....cos my fate rides upon it

Smile

A little reminder to myself:

Smile, though your heart is aching,

Smile, even though it's breaking,

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by,

If you smile through your fear and sorrow,

Smile and maybe tomorrow,

You'll see the sun come shining through you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide every trace of sadness,

Although a tear may be ever so near,

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile,

If you just smile.

No One Wants To Be Defeated

The Unwritten Letter

This heart of mine is made of steel. Strong enough to face any problem that comes in my way but steel is just a steel. It has its limits. Even for steel. The steel is just a mere protector of what is inside. Once it starts to break, it's like an egg. Once you pierce the shell, it'll leak till there is nothing inside. This is what I am going through. I have been troubled with troubles over the last 5 years. Only a handful of people, like my family, that know what it is all about. That is why I have not been able to perform at the level that I should be doing. And so, I would like say the following things.

To Abah:

I am sorry that I still can't live up to the expectation that you have planted in me, and I will not stop until I reach your level of success and go one step further. I believe that is what I should aim at and I will strive to make you proud of me.

To Mak:

I am sorry for being an ungrateful son to you. I am sorry for not listening when I should have. Do forgive me as this young blood has a rebellious side unknown to others. You are my source of inspiration and you have showed me, time and time again how strong you are. I will do my best just to be half as strong as you and so that you can smile whenever my name is being spoken.

To Along, Angah and Ayoy:

I am sorry for not being able to fulfil my duty as a brother. While I should stay at home and play with Afiq and Adib, I chose to have a good time instead outside with my friends. I should have been a better brother to you and a better uncle to the twins. I am regretting my decision to go back early and the times I have not spent with the kids. I vow to be a better person so you can proudly call me your brother.

'Boob' Quest -Chapter 4

Confessions of A Forsaken Soul

There is not a single day goes by,

Without me looking up into the sky,

Raising my hands and voice to heaven,

Asking God why am I being forsaken.

Offering my blood as a sacrifice,

Of which I don't know whether it will be suffice,

What should I do, What should I do,

For my heart wants to be closer to You.

A friend once told me,

"You really have come far",

But the question burning inside of me,

says, "How far is far?"